Starting over

This last year and a half I have spent trying to figure out how to be. How to be a single mother, how to be a friend, a daughter, sister and everything else I thought I had to be. As a single mom you just go, and do, because you have to. You have to be everything at once and you don't even think about it. Because when you do it becomes overwhelming, heartbreaking and impossible. You put aside you because you don't know who you are anymore. Your mommy an daddy and healer and protector. You are life to someone else. And in all of that you loose who you are as a person. It's a struggle to find balance, a struggle to feel like you deserve it. And the one thing I am starting to learn is I deserve a lot more than I have allowed myself. I have learned that it's not selfish. The more confidence I have as a person, mother, daughter, sister, friend...the better life is for my daughter. Starting over was terrifying after my break up, but now it's time for me to be happy and live life 100% for my daughter and I.

Selfish Relationships and the Damage

In the past few months I have multiple conversations with male friends who have fallen in love, even proposed, to only have their significant others say no or leave. This bothers me. Women are more emotional and fall into love more easily then men (sometimes.) Men have been taught for the longest to not show emotion so for them to fall in love and express it, especially with marriage, is huge. What comes after a man falls in love and it doesn't work out is even bigger. Try and date a man who has already been in love and has had his heart broken is like trying to get water and oil to mix. Their hearts are steel cages and it takes a lot to get them to open up again. Some never do. For a man to show that type of vulnerability to someone is huge;something women do not understand. They usually end up sticking to one night stands or have short meaningless relationships after.

It goes both ways though. If a women has been in a bad relationship they have the hardest time trusting again. They go into every relationship not trusting anything, which isn't fair to the new person. Women fresh out of a relationship will sometimes go for anything to seek validation that they can be wanted by someone or they shut down and build up walls. Either way it can be unhealthy.

Why am I writing about this? Well I think we are selfish and this is what destroys people after relationships. Sometimes we aren't honest when we start dating someone about what we really want from a relationship. Marriage, commitment, loose sexual connection, babies, house; the list goes on. You like the other person, your attracted to them, and do not want to miss out on the opportunity to see what it would be like to be with them. You hope that maybe in time you can be on the same page. Sometimes we sacrifice our wants to make the other person happy afraid to loose them, but in the long run it does more damage than good. Also there are times in a relationship where your wants or needs change in the middle of the relationship and we do not communicate that to the other person. And then its too late, the damage is done and it all falls apart. Relationships are about communication even in the very beginning. If the person you are dating wants to get married and have babies and you don't, then do not lead them on, or if some point down the road you realize you no longer want to get married etc...talk about it. It might mean you loosing the other person to someone else, but in the long run its better then destroying them.

No Time for Games

Here is another reason why I am okay with being single: Too many people these days play games, I am 29 years old...I am not going to play games with someone who is supposed to be grown. Is the chase fun? Yes, but I am not going to break my back to get your attention. If some one tells you they are interested, takes your number but never uses it, then do not waste your time on them. Yell "NEXT" and keep it moving. They will realize what they lost out on once they see someone else enjoying it. I have been watching too many of my friends stuck in a cycle of games. And it goes both ways. I do not know if it is because we are getting older and some of us have been in bad relationships so we try and test everyone we meet in fear of getting stuck in another bad relationship? The fear of being hurt again. Or the need for attention? What ever the reason, its sad. If you are truly interested in someone than show it, follow through, do not leave them hanging. If you have a change of heart after asking for their number or after spending time with them, then be honest that its not going to work. Do not string people along. Treat others the way you want to be treated..always.

Movin on Up

Movin on Up....to the East Side of the Bay!

in 2 weeks I'll be back in NorCal!  New job location, meeting new people, new adventures!

Follow your Gut

This will probably be short....but if you're a woman, you more than likely have a built in sense of when something isn't right. Hold on to it. It's your red flag...

I've had my red flag flying for a while now but something still happens and I fall over and over into the pit of 'Hope and Optimism' and then I get burned and disappointed and sometimes lied to.

However, I love being that Hopeless Romantic type...where I get flowers unexpectedly, and go away on vacations at a moments notice, and go out for happy hour just because!

Thank my Mom

Sitting around the table I hear my lovely mother joking about her boobs sagging and dimples in her thighs; how things are just not the same. My dad replies with "oh geez" and I sit there and laugh telling her "guys do not care." This statement is true. I know its true. Men do not view us in the same light that we view our selves. Listening to my mom and thinking about the conversations that women have when they are together made me want to write about this. I was on my Sunday walk with the girls and we were all talking about the changes we would like to see in our bodies. From the bottom up I would like to tone my calves, lift my butt, tighten my tummy, and make it so arms didn't have bat wings. I would also like to see more of my collarbone. And this will all happen once I loose these f*ing 15 pounds that wont go away. This is how I see myself, but ask someone who knows me and they will not say the same. My guy friends tell me to shut up, I just had a baby and look great. They are not as harsh or critical as we are. But to humor those who shake their heads at me I decided to ask my friends (THANK YOU by the way for letting me pick your brains.) Would you date a chubby girl? (Is how I started out.) "Yes...as long as she was trying to be healthy/is healthy." This was the number one answer. Over all it was all about being healthy and trying to be in shape. Look not everyone is going to be a size 2...I look my best at a size 6/8. I have curves so a 2 is not a good look. But a 2 for someone else is amazing. Also not all men want a size 2, they like the curves. This is why MY SEXY is for me. I know where I am most comfortable and I am working my butt off for me. This is how it should be...work your butt off for you, for where you feel most comfortable; not to fit into a size 2. Also when some people loose too much weight it looks like they have a big head on such a little body and its weird. Stop being so hard on yourself. Enjoy life and live healthy.

No kiss on New Years

I am actually very flattered to be writing this post. A great friend of mine asked me to write about why I am single and not dating. So here we go... New Years was a blast. I did dinner in the city with my brother and his wife. We all got dolled up at went out for an amazing dinner and then back to their apartment for bubbles. It was perfect, for me. Now reading this you might or probably are judging me on the fact that there is no mention of the new years kiss...well, there wasn't one. Heartbreaking...not really. I am 3 months out of a 6 year relationship and I have a child. That's some baggage. It is also not fair to potential partners for me to be dating so soon. And not talking about casual dating...I am talking about my friends are single and 30 dating to find a life mate dating..."hey wanna go out for pizza and a beer and hangout" dating totally cool. But trapping someone into relationship status dating right now, not fair. Why? you ask...because even though the break up was mutual and we are great co-parents there are still boundaries and things which have to be worked out, figured out, and put into place. I am 3 months out and it would look very odd to the new guy to see the ex calling the cell phone. NOW I know that the ex is calling to talk about the baby, pick up time, drop of time, etc., but for new guy; it could leave him wondering if there is something still there. See when you start dating someone new it can be messy...getting to know one another, learning each other, and when one of the parties involved JUST got out of a serious or long term relationship and have started dating right away it makes people wonder. "What if he/she decides they rather be with their ex?" Now right off the bat there is trust issues. And I also do not want to have to sit there and reassure the new guy that there REALLY ISN'T anything there anymore. I know what you might be thinking...not all guys are like that...and I know this, but I rather give it time, enjoy being single, enjoy my daughter, and let things just happen. I am not looking, but if something finds me, then I will give it a try. There is no rushing love or relationships. If it is meant to be it will be.